06.57 P.M.

 I do believe human life is disposable.

Yes, disposable.

I cannot stand the idea of place called afterlife or heaven or hell. As much as I often say that I’ll be condemned to hell after I die, I don’t believe such torturous place exists as such pleasing and rewarding place like heaven does. Those are just extended version of reward-and punishment teaching method brings to larger scale of life and death.

When we die, we cease to exist as our consciousness dies. We still may live through our descendants as they carry our genes and DNA. People may carry our norms and values and take it as their own. Beside that we also can live through their memory of us. Problem is, how they remember us is not ours to manage or maintain. Our biological body will be decomposed and nourishes the soil which will be used by another life form to grow. What on life could offer a better way to end your life as to help others to nourish?

Certainly whatever heaven and hell could offer cannot beat this one.

There was only time when my beloved one and only grandmother died two weeks ago. It pained me. I for a split second wanted to believe heaven does exist. When my relatives told one another to pray so she could be born again in much happier world, so she could have a pleasant way and quick journey when reaching heaven and live happily ever after there.

For a split second, I wish I could pray.

For a split second, I wish I could believe such thing.

But as much as I tried to, I cannot.

So I just followed the religious procedure and ceremonial, I chanted the prayers, I participated in the rituals, merely as a physical body.

At this point I may seem cold and heartless. But if only you could imagine the beauty she’ll bring like how I see it. Because I believe her strong and benevolent values are passed already to her descendants and we’ll take that as our own as her biological identity is already passed through us. And to imagine her body will nourishes the soil on the place which will be her last resting place as another life grows on it. She’s not gone like that; she lives but takes another form. Nothing could beat those even the imaginary scene any paradise could ever bring.

But it’s different with relationships. People come and go. Literally and metaphorically. Physically and mentally. How long they will stay with us, maintain their relationship with us, it’s not for us to choose and sometimes it’s not theirs either.

And that terrifies me.

As much as I believe how disposable human life is, as much as I convinced that I am stoic, I cannot stand the loss of any relationships. At some point you’re at the closest time with some people, you laugh together, you tease each other, you share affections platonically or romantically, you say goodbye or goodnight thinking you’ll talk again to them in no time or meeting them tomorrow.

But just like that, they’re gone. Perhaps not instantly, perhaps they fade gradually. It drained me mentally and physically just the same. For not knowing when is the last time. For not knowing either you get a hold of them or you do not. The instant loss of one’s presence is as painful as the gradually fading one.

For all I know, I’ve been retreating and curling myself up with my own bubble and staying still, while covering every single malfunctioning parts of me that’s happening with jokes or shallow laughter.

Anything to keep the questions away and obligations to explain what is happening with me. Because there are things that are happening right now inside that I cannot begin to explain just yet. Or perhaps never will. And I’d do anything, to keep my mind off of it.

Either way, I’m not myself at the time being, and I don’t know either for how long.

The vacancy is still here and I don’t know how to fill it yet I’m all feelings, exposed yet unsteady. I’d do whatever it takes to fill it and make it rigid. Even if I have to break limits I’ve set for myself at any aspects to steer this vacancy away.

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