I’ve only discovered that you’ve passed away this evening, tonight. I cannot stop crying ever since. I don’t even know why. I’ve never been close to any Pastors on our church anyway. But somehow, what you delivered on each mass I attended, got through me. I’ve always enjoyed how the mass went when you were leading it. The homily, the songs, those were good old time when I enjoyed going to church every week.
I remember you left for Australia to pursue your education. I remember I asked if we can take a picture before you leave. I remember I asked you to pray for me so I could pass university entrance test. I remember I told you I want to take design major, although I had not discovered yet what kind of design. I just told you I like to draw. I remember you told me that you like my writings on my blog. I still have no idea up until now which writings did you read and from which blog. But you remembered. Perhaps that was what makes people love you.
Even after you left, you still remember. In every birthday message you sent every year, you kept asking when can you see my designs and when will you read my writings again.
It was as if you believe that I would be a good designer or writer.
I even remember that one time you traveled back and delivered a mass on our church. I greeted you after the service and you did ask me once to design something for you. Something you haven’t said what it is and when, yet you have gone to another place.
We might not be that close, but those little things you had done, those little things you kept asking about, it was like some glimmer energy I keep as remembrance that I was once an eager and passionate one.
When I began to let loose of my faith, I thought about contacting you via facebook. Like, perhaps you could talk some sense into me and guide me to go back and build a better foundation over my faith. But I was afraid that you may be disappointed that I’ve gone into another direction. And also afraid to have faith once more because I’ve never felt ready and still want to venture out questioning everything.
But I think those fear are no use now.
So long, Father. May your soul venture freely in the vast universe. Find the form of liberation you believed in. Let your energy stays and shaped into another form that still helps and guides the people who believe and the people who are lost yet still want to be found.
Your lost little sheep.