8.04 PM

I want to confess as best I can, but my heart is void.

The void is a mirror. I see my face and feel loathing and horror.

My indifference to men has shut me out.

I live now in a world of ghosts, a prisoner in my dreams.

Is it so terribly inconceivable to comprehend God with one’s senses?

Why does he hide in a cloud of half-promises and unseen miracles?

How can we believe in the faithful when we lack faith?

What will happen to us who want to believe, but can not?

What about those who neither want to nor can believe?

Why can’t I kill God in me?

Why does He live on in me in a humiliating way –
despite my wanting to evict Him from my heart?

Why is He, despite all, a mocking reality I can’t be rid of?

— The Knight Antonius Block;
The Seventh Seal, Ingmar Bergman (1957)

These lines spoke through me during the scene. Faith itself truly is one thing I haven’t had the privilege to have, just yet.

 

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