01.08 AM

I know that I was not made for the big city, as I never made for living the office life.

It’s only been seven months that I moved back into town. Yet I always crave for some chances which will take me back to the city I was living in, for the past four years. Since the vibe of this town is somehow so exhausting, it drains me every time I have to go out. It feels weird that one city which used to feels strange, in the end feels more like home than your hometown has ever been.

There was this one night when I was currently watching a series and my mind flew back into that city and just right that second, every corners, every details, every side of the street, all things which have grown into something familiar, came flashing into my consciousness. I know I’ve been missing those places and details for long, I looked on the calendar, counting days of when will I be able to go there. But it’s still months away from April and suddenly my chest felt the heaviest I’ve ever had these days.

I couldn’t help but cry. I cried so hard my voice was drowned in every breathe.

Right that second, all I wanted to do was to pack my things, skip work the day after and took a trip back to that city. One or two day to escape would be enough, I thought. But then, what? What can I do after since I know I will always miss that city and long for the chance to go there.

The feeling of frustration feels the same as to imagine I have to go to work the next day. It’s only been five of six months that I spend my days working eight to nine hours a day, six days a week. And I have never felt as drained as ever. Some friends or relatives say that I am lucky that I have found a job already for I am still pretty young, or that it must make me happy that I now am making my own money.

Truth is, each day I get more and more impatient to leave all these things and trade it for any chance to pursue higher education in the field I’ve always dreamed to learn from and later working on.

It surely is deliberating that I’m making my own money. I become less dependent to my parents. They don’t have to take full responsibility of me, that now I’m almost fully independent. Yet these are not what I signed up for in life. This is not how I want to see myself to be in few years later. This will do nothing than making me into such robot whose soul has been dried up to the very core.

I crave for more knowledge. I crave for more education. I crave to keep moving into one historical place into another. I crave drowning myself studying world’s cultural heritage and its background. I crave to hop from one museum to another, learning about its system and its programs. World of selling, marketing, and money is not what I aim for.

All those times, the only time I felt alive the most was when I took two days off to go back to that city and spend three days with my college friends.

This dullness of office life and its routine will slowly drain me until nothing will be left of me. All those money will never satisfy me. This is not what I signed up for.  This is not what I aim for. This is not what I want to do for living. This will only kill me slowly yet as certain as ever.


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