I was chatting with my friend last night, talking about one of our friend whom was actually the least expected to get married early enough between us. But she turned out to be the dark horse. Then we ended up talking about what lies ahead in our life, marriage and lifetime companion until midnight.
At that time, one thing stroke me like nightmare. It is probably my worst fear I’m still trying to figure it out. The only thing I know is I dare not imagine if it may happen to me one day.
It is not being the last one to get married or not married at all. It is not still being alone in my 30. It is not having no companion to live. Strangely, those things don’t scare me as much as the other.
I fear that I will find myself still here in my office in my 30s. Doing such expected routine like a year before and a year before and a year before. Some deadlines may color my routine but certainly what lies ahead is pretty much the same and static. I fear that I will become a robot. Sure I could create some good designs for all I know and people may love my works but I will be soulless. I surely will be in vain for nothing nourishes my hunger.
I always dream of travelling around the world. Surely it’s everyone’s dream. But for all I know, I have been dreaming of being a traveler since I was little. When I was still kindergarten and people asked me what do I want to be when I grow up, I will loudly say I want to be a pilot since that was the only job I know which requires travelling a lot. Then my father gives me some insights about when he was living in Germany during college years. Little me developed her dreams into living abroad. If not for the rest of my life, at least experiencing some years of it.
I did not know what I travel for back then. The idea of travelling and always moving just thrilled me then and thrills me still. Growing up, attending high school then college. Those are what happened to me, nothing much and I haven’t travelled much because I had no money and I hate to ask my parents for it. The furthest I have gone alone was only Jogjakarta and Malang. I wasn’t even really alone back then since I was with my friends or at least staying with one of them there. But those two experiences were enough for me to figure out what do I travel for, why should I travel in the future.
The moment of truth happened when I was on my train home from Jogjakarta. For me, the time when I was there was such special time. I visited so many historical sites back in Jogjakarta and tried to find out how it affects or affected by cultural norms. After living for 20 years, that was the only time I feel very alive the most. The eight hours long journey made me think about many things. The reason why should I travel is one of them. Let alone the world with billions of it, my country has very rich trails history has preserved as culture. Its richness and heritage take so many forms from social norms into architectural landmarks. To miss even the tiniest bit of them while living in this culture-wealthy country is such a shame.
To travel Indonesia, would take so many years, let alone the world. That is my biggest fear, which I will not be able to experience trails of preserved history the world has. I fear that I am going nowhere.
This also encourages me to take more advanced education in heritage study. Near my graduation, seeking jobs in company was not my goal. If I think about it, gaining money has never been my goal. I crave knowledge, I crave education but I do not know what I should take for graduate school back then. Then I look back into the thing which makes me feel alive and I do not want to experience that thing by myself. For me that was the moment of truth and I find my purpose of living in this world. What if there are also people like who will be encouraged by the same exact thing but they haven’t had the experience yet? For me, finding those people would be such a joy and to start finding them, I should start introducing and exposing these rich trails. But before doing that I need preparations and that gives me insight of what field should I take in graduate school.
Last night, imagining I would not be near even from half of my dream when I am 30 scares the hell out of me. I sure enjoy my job for I have only worked for one and a half month. But to do things exactly the same in nine years would not give me any satisfaction. I need ecstasy and surely to be in those historical sites, studying cultural trails left on its body and also exposing it to other people who may also enjoy it would give me ecstasy like no other.